Twatite
by Chloe Magea
Summary: Anti-Twilight fanfiction. (Used to be 'If she had half a brain' This fic is based after my Youtube video "If I was Bella Swan." The obvious idea is what would Twilight be if Bella had my personality? May guess is it would not get past the first book. M for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Twatlite: Rewrite.**

_Disclaimer: This fan fiction I just for fun, a parody based after my OLD Youtube video "If I was Bella Swan." Note this is an insert, the only character that will change is Bella and she is being simply replaced with my personality. All of the other characters will stay the same as they are. Twilight is not mine, it belongs to Stephanie Mayer. Enjoy. This is just for shits and giggles. Going by the movieverse because I only got to chapter 5 in the first book. Deal with it. I rewrote this._

**Chapter 1: And away we go. **

So I made my way through the airport terminal, looking out of the large windows and seeing the grey sky that loomed above. I had left Arizona to live with my father, Charlie in Forks, Washington. Charlie wasn't my biological father, I was adopted when I was two years old by the people I now call Mom and Dad. It always made for a surprise when people saw me, a dark skinned black girl in the company of middle-aged white people. It was always a conversation starter; I knew it would be the same here. Teachers in that small town would look down and see the last name of Swan and raise their eyebrows and say something to the affect of.

_"Swan, I don't think any relation to Chief Swan?" _And then I would have to explain that I was adopted in front of the whole class. I would more then likely be met with questions and whispers. Forks, Washington wasn't really known for it's progressive thinking. But it was known for the rain, cold, drab and grey.

Although the change of scenery would not be that bad, and I kind of missed my dad and there was not much I could do about the situation anyway. It is that or stay with my mama and her new husband and I'm sure I don't want to ruin their newlywed antics, as gross as that might sound.

I sat in the car with my dad, on our way to the house that I grew up in. He was silent the only noise was me popping my wad of bubble gum.

"Your hairs long." He said to me, I sucked back in my bubble of gum back in to my mouth so I could answer him.

"Ha! Dad you know it's all fake." I said tugging at my synthetic dreads that I kept in, in order to grow my natural hair out.

"They look real."

"Yeah, everyone says that." I said as I sniffed them, knowing they had the tendency to hold smells. We pulled up to the house; I got out and looked at it. It was the same as I remembered, like it was frozen in time. The paint on the molding was still chipping, the last time I was there me and my dad when to the hardware store to get paint for it. He must have never got the time to paint it. I made a mental note, that this summer we would spruce up the house a bit. We got out and my dad helped me with my luggage, we walked in to the house, and yep the inside was the same as well. My father really needed to hire a decorator or at least get some new furniture. It was devoid of a women touch. I walked up stairs where the bedrooms were. He said something about the bathroom but I was not really listening to him. I peeked in to my room, the nostalgia was comforting.

"Good work lamp and the sales lady helped pick out the bed stuff…you like purple right?" He said quietly, I looked at him with a smile.

"Yeah it's cute." I said looking at the bedspread. "And stop acting so down." I said playfully punching him in the arm.

"Well ok, I'll leave you to get unpacked." He said walking out of the room.

I received my homecoming gift from my father an old truck, but that was better then having no vehicle. It was my first day of school in the middle of the semester. I looked my self over in the rear view mirror making sure that none of my natural hair was poking out of my dreads. I added a little bit of Chap Stick to my lips and looked at my dark skin checking for blemishes. I pulled in to the school parking lot, and of course I got looks but that was to be expected. I got out my truck and I saw that some girl was looking at me and then turned and laughed with her group of friends. Normally would have said something not so nice to her, but because I wasn't on my home turf I decided not to. I was going to try to get through my fist day with out making people cry. I walked towards the school, putting on the meanest expression that my face could handle, it was just something I did. I looked mad all the time the perfect defense mechanism. Most of the time people wouldn't bother me if I looked so pissed off. Looked at a piece of paper that had my class list on it, I paused for a moment looking it over.

"You're Bella. The new girl." Some guy said, I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Please call me Izzie." I said putting my hand up to stop him from continuing. He looked at me as if he was confused. "Isabella?...Izzie…." I said.

"Oh yeah." He nodded. I'm Eric the eyes and ears of this place. Anything you need, tour guide, lunch date a shoulder to cry on." He said to me, I laughed out loud at him.

"No, I think I got this one." I said simply.

"Oh well I'm on the school paper and your news made the front page." He said back, looking a bit surprised that I did not weep openly on to his chest.

"Wow, you guys must not have much to talk about around here. Putting me on the front page is like editorial suicide." I said with a laugh, he looked back at me confused. "I mean I'm not that interesting." It was clear that no one could take jokes here.

Gym class, fucking fantastic, Volleyball even worst off, so using my "new girl" status I lied and said I had no clue that I had gym and did not bring a change of clothing, and it worked. People would not stop talking to me, what was up with this town? It was as if I had stepped in to some strange bizarre world where everyone was way too interested in me. Some kid with blond hair came up to me and talked to me for a moment but I quickly forgot his name.

Lunch rolled around, and I was looking for an empty table. But before I could sit my ass down on the set, the blond kid from gym invited me over to his table with his friends.

Fantastic.

It would have been rude if I had ignored him so I went over and sat down.

"Hey, Mickey you met my home girl Bella."

"Izzie." I groaned and rolled my eyes.

"Oh your home girl?" Mike or what ever his name is said, before I could say something I heard another person in my ear say "My girl." And then there was a kiss on my cheek, forgetting where I was my natural impulse kicked in and I blurted my default words of surprise.

"What the fuck?" I yelled my face turning in to a grim, but I guess the four-letter dirty word was not uttered in Forks because everyone at my table looked at me like my head was on ass backwards. "Sorry…just surprised me." I said trying to even out it the situation, just as I was getting over the social blunder there was a flash in my face.

"Smile." Another girl with a camera said.

"Wow. You guys need real news." I mumbled. They all looked at me and once again I had to attempt to cover my ass ."Don't worry school news papers always suck." It was a fine thing to say in my mind but once it came out it seemed more like an insult, I decided to shut up and just focus on my lunch. I glanced up at the windows and saw a small group of people, who looked like they where walking in slow motion or attempting to make a dramatic entrance in to the café.

"Who's that?" I asked my mouth full of food.

"The Cullen's." Jessica answered.

"They go here, as students?" I questioned.

"Yes."

"They look like they should be teaching, did they flunk or something." I said expecting a "yes"

"No, they are just normal students, they are together…like together."

"Ew, what the hell!" I said thinking incest at once.

"They are all foster kids." She added.

"Oh. Never mind then. I guess that isn't that weird. " Just as I said that two of them walked in, I was still convinced that they failed a few grades.

"The blond that's Rosalie and the big dark haired guy Emmett, they are like a thing." She said pointing over to them.

"He looks like a tard, Green Mile style. No one is going to get that joke." I said and of course they did not get the hint, nor the Steven King reference. But the Emmett guy did look like he was a little on the slow side maybe it was his Neanderthal appearance.

"The little dark haired girl is Alice she's really weird and she's with Jasper the one that looks like he's in pain all of the time." I looked over at both of them; it seemed these Cullen's liked attention because the Alice girl was twirling around like some kind of impeded ballerina, it was annoying. They all seemed that they wanted to put their creepy relationships on for show for people.

"Doctor Cullen is like some foster dad slash match maker."

"Maybe he will adopt me." The other girl swooning

"Ew, they're creepy." I said looking towards the door and another one walked in, and the first thing I noticed was his absurd Flock of Seagulls hairstyle. "And him?"

"That's Edward Cullen. He's totally gorgeous, obviously, but apparently nobody here's good enough for him…like I care…" She said sounding bitter. "Seriously don't waste your time."

"Nope. He's not that cute." I said, but then I got the feeling that someone was looking at the back of me, I quickly turned around and saw that this Edward guy was glaring at me, hard.

"Creep." I mumbled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_You must be joking, this town is like it came from a horrible fiction novel. _

I found my own way to my next class, walking in to the biology room. I stopped at the teacher's desk; he looked up and noticed me.

"Ah, Miss Swan." He said. I walked closer there was a fan blowing, I thought that was strange because the classroom was not that particularly warm. I stepped in front of it and it must have been an industrial fan made for sweatshops because it blow my heavy dreads all over the place. I looked to the corner of the classroom and there was that Edward Cullen kid he covered his nose as soon as the wind blew in his direction. I knew I had put on ample deodorant that morning.

"Here are your things for class, there is an open seat right there." The teacher said handing me my book and pointing at the seat next to the Cullen. I sat down and he still covered his nose and gave the worst look ever. He looked like he was gagging.

"Hum…" I mumbled as I sniffed both of my armpits, I had been sweating a lot and I was a bit tangy but it was nothing he would notice. I also sniffed my dreads but they just smelt like synthetic fiber. And if any other part of my body stunk he would have not been able to smell it from a cross the room. The teacher said something about worms, I was not paying attention. He looked at me but this time he did not stop; he was just glaring at me. After about giving him a whole fifty seconds to examine me I had enough.

"Hey." I whispered to him, he said nothing back. "Do I…have a dick growing from my face?" I asked, with out a smile, he looked back at me in shock at what I had just asked him. "So I don't have a penis protruding out of my face? Okay, just asking because you are eyein' me pretty hard and the only reason I could come up for that is that maybe I was growing a dick from my nose or something." I said, and with my words he looked away and to the window. "I mean you never know, I could have a dick on my face, stranger things have happened." I said, and as soon as the bell rung or maybe even before it rang he got up and stormed out of the class room at lighting speeds, or maybe the speeds of someone who had diarrhea. I let out a laugh at how that kid was acting, it was pretty hilarious. I left class and made my way down to the office, I had to switch out of gym because that was not going to work for me. I walked in and saw that Cullen guy…again.

"There must be something open, physics, bio chem." He said.

"Every class is full." The office assistant told him; maybe he did not like gym either. I paid them both no mind and waited.

"Just a moment, dear." The woman said looking of a class list, I saw him looking at me out of the corer of his eye. "I'm a afraid you'll just have to stay in biology."

What, the hell? Really he did not like me that so much he was going to switch classes? What a little bitch. I wanted to know what was up with him, I bit my lip but I knew I could not help but to speak out.

"Wow." Slipped out of my mouth, and I crossed my arms. He looked at me and grabbed his books and walked out.

"I'll just have to endure it." He said as he passed me.

"Endure what? How much of a pussy you are?" I said, he paused for a moment as if he would say something back to me, but of course he didn't and got to steppin' "What a fucking tool."

My mom called me that night, talking about how she lost her cell phone power cord. I really did not think she was funny, but I put up with her scatter braininess because she was my mother.

"Tell me more about your school, what are the kids like? Are there any cute guys?" She asked.

"Well there is a creep that did not like me so much he wanted to switch classes." I said with an almost laugh.

"Bella! Are you being mean again?" she blurted knowing how I was.

"Ma! I did not even do anything. I just sat down and he was looking at me the whole time like some kind of freak. It was pretty strange."

"Please try not to make people cry. And try to be nice." She told me, but I knew that was going to be a test of my will.

"Yeah, yeah. I will, I'll talk to you later."

"Ok. I love you."

"Love you too, bye." I hung up the phone, and looked at my homework. "Yep, that's not happening." I said getting up from my bed and going on my laptop. I had a book to finish but I decided to fanfic instead.

The next day the 'tool' did not show, but I really could have really cared less about him. I did see that his circus freak family was there, but I had hoped that they had switched schools or something. I stood out side, listing to music from my mp3 player even though I knew I should have been reading over notes for class.

"Yo, Bella." Someone said throwing something at me, how hard was it for people to just call me Izzie? It was two fucking syllables. I looked up and it was the idiot squad. I took out one of my headphones, it was too early to be annoying me.

"What?" I snapped.

"Nothing." One of them said back to me, every time I spoke they seemed shocked that I was not over flowing with happiness. I said nothing back, I put my headphones back in and ignored them. The people in this town were very dim, and overly inviting it was sickening. I saw some of those Cullen's glaring at me, I'm sure they were thinking 'hey that's the bitch who called our brother a pussy yesterday.' Oh, well.

I noticed that he did not show the next day, and then the next. Maybe he died, I could only hope. Things were very odd; everyday at lunch the incest family would shoot me strange looks. It was almost to the point that I almost said something to them, but getting into a fight would not be the best of things my first week.

My father told me about some strange things happening in the town, and told me to be safe. Perfect I move to a town that has some kind of x-files shit going on, and on top of that I had some pale creep family hating me, maybe I would be the first murder this town had in years. I made my way to school, rain again blah again, the same old crap over and over again.

"The crew committee is pretty shifty, but I got it covered for the paper anyway and I'll be the guy that has to choose some music. Hey, I need your play list." Eric blabbed to me, I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him as we walked in to class. "Hey can I ask you something? Do you have a d-date…" He started to say and I was already formulating an excuse for what ever he was going to ask me.

"What's up Arizona?" That obnoxious blond kid said stepping in between us shaking his umbrella over my head. I tried so hard not to have a problem with it, I remembered what my mother said…'_be nice' _and God knew I was trying. "How you likin' the rain girl?" He added. To some point I was thankful for him getting me out of that conversation with Eric that I was sure was going to a bad place. I entered class and much too my surprise the 'toolbag' was sitting in class. He looked up at me; this class period was going to be some bullshit.

I walked over and sat down next to him, I was not planning on starting anything, I swear. I just wanted to class too be over, if I ignored him no one would get their feelings hurt.

"Hello." He said. _DAMN IT_ I thought, I looked over at him. "I'm sorry I did not get a chance to introduce my self last week, I'm Edward Cullan and your Bella." He said, I was shocked, floored.

"Izzie…and Why are you talking to me? I called you a pussy to your face." I questioned, but he did not say anything back and class had started. Our teacher started talking about mitoses and I was really not in the mood to talk about onion roots. I had a feeling that class was not going to be happening for me that day. What was wrong with me, I needed to stop being so damn lazy.

He pushed the micro scoop close to me. "Lady's first." I laughed and then looked back at him.

"Not really feeling science today." I said as I pushed it back, he looked surprised.

"You're not going to do it?"

"Nope, not feeling it right now." I said as I looked away from him. He looked in the microscope it was almost a glance.

"It's prophase." He said.

"That's nice." I mumbled as I doodled on my paper.

"So you are enjoying the rain?" He asked, once again I was floored by how calm he was being.

"Hold on, now last week I asked you if I had a dick growing out of my face, and then I called you a pussy. And all you can say to me is if I'm enjoying the rain? What is wrong with you?" I said growing more and more annoyed with him and how he was acting.

"I have never met anyone like you." He said, and I laughed I could not believe this kid.

"Yep, I'm a bitch." He looked at me, with a smile. Maybe he was bi-polar….

"No, really do you like the rain?"

"Well. No, but it all of this rain would be good for a wet tee shirt contest." Bad humor, go me.

"So if you don't like the rain then why did you move to the wettest place in the continental U.S?" He asked, what was with his questions? I was prepared for him to call me a bitch, or a cunt or something but everyone here was so fucking nice and sweet I was getting diabetes.

Class was over and he walked me too my locker, why? I have no fucking clue; anyone's guess would be as good as mine. I slouched when I walked and I could feel the bottom of my huge sweat pants were wet, all of this wet weather was making me fell grimy and almost moldy.

"So you're adopted." He said as we stopped at my locker.

"Was that your first guess?" I snorted putting away my Bio book.

"I am too."

"So I have heard." Was that why he was trying to bond with me? "But I still don't get why you are talking to me."

"I'm sorry I'm just trying to figure you out…you are very difficult for me to read." He said his eyes looking over me.

"Hey what's up with your eyes they are gold." I said finding my self-intrigued by it. "They were black last time." I mumbled. They looked way too real to be contacts.

"Well…I…" He did not finish what he was going to say he simply turned and walked away from me.

"What the hell…?" I questioned, I could not believe that kid and how he was acting I was sure he needed to be on some meds for his split personality.


End file.
